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ok this is gonna seem like it's in response to this journal but it's not it's just a synchronicity I've been thinking about it all day. But I wanted to tell u that ur recent posts inspired me to start writing (and SHARING) fanfic again for the first time in I'm pretty sure more than a decade and I want to say THANK U for that :)))

also its genuinely wild to me how often I'll be having vague thoughts that I can't be bothered to sit down and externalise in a coherent manner and then within a day or so you'll drop a post that is those same thoughts. Mind blown on a weekly basis fr

my impression of you is that you are a very thoughtful/interesting/sincere/kind person + find your ability to rationally self-analyze very impressive

re: fanfiction, YAYYY!! I'm SO happy to hear that 😊 Talk about synchronicity, I only just started posting after a 9-10yr writing-block and once I got past the fear of starting, it's been such a gift. I hope the writing and sharing proves a good experience for you too. Thank you lots for telling me that.

And to be fair, I did read your entry yesterday where you discuss being percieved, but it didn't feel prudent to tag it. Thank you, too, for sharing your impression of me. I'm highly, highly grateful and appreciative :,3 thank you!! Forever plagued with the introspection bug, and I'm glad what I barf out is coherent 😁💜

I love your blog; here, at least, you seem very thoughtful and sincere, and not afraid to talk about some very personal stuff. Plus, your "noticing" page is truly lovely.

relatedly: occasionally when i spot someone saying something sweet about me on disc or whatnot i'll screenshot and save that ... something heartwarming about that type stuff

but also sometimes i lowkey forget in general my existence Actually Impacts people in whatever way so even positive reminders of it feel a little humbling (heartwarmingly) - but i guess this might also make it easier for me to brush off some ppl's negative views about Me Existing for what its worth? if that makes sense......

@miela583 this means more than you know, thank you :,)

@sneekrealm it absolutely makes sense, yes. I’ve been meaning to sort of archive the kind comments I’ve received here and try to remember to look at them and just let it sink in. I also often feel I don't make an impact even despite evidence otherwise, and for me, I sorta suffer from a lack of ‘Existence permanence,’ like, I assume I disappear from people’s minds

i love your blog posts and your noticing page. they always have something new for me to think about that i never would have come up with myself. your noticing page has made me more aware of my own surroundings (i "notice" more now). i don't always reply because my brain can't usually give me the right words, but i think about you and your site often.

in terms of the "not knowing how to communicate to someone in a normal way" my opinion is like. why does it matter to you if it's the normal way or not (also i swear i tried to post this before but it got deleted, or maybe my wifi just died idk)

I read "normal" in this context as "socially acceptable + therefore unlikely to be misread and accidentally offend/repulse"

I’m struggling to pinpoint what you’re referring to specifically @niicespiice, but yes, what @ocrevol said, like, fuck being normal but also, I still worry about social alienation and repulsion because I am really affected by that. It’s hard to fully unmask, though I continue to try.

very relatable about the "i COULD rest but i don't want to" thing. like people say stuff like "take a break when you want." i hate that, they don't understand at all. because if i let myself at the very least have excuses like that, i'll never do anything. i'd rather work until i'm drained and forcibly must rest, that's probably the best option

Lol, yes same 😭😭. I also hate when people tell me to take a break. If I took a break whenever I was tired, it’d be 90% breaks 😐

i think it's a very "not mentally ill" take to have? because they don't understand mentally ill people they assume we're exactly like them, even though our tolerance is FAR FAR lower. so because of that they go "take a break when you want" and it's like. yeah. i do that and i get called "lazy" or "wasting my life" so what do you guys want 😭

A new blogpost from He Who Internalizes Everything

(continuing the thread here) tbh I'm probably being a lil too mean re: Pete Walker I think he's a good guy with some good advice but the book has got some triggering elements for sure + yeah very therapy focused, which has not er been very helpful for me anecdotally either

Ah, understood! And thank you for commenting on this, by the way :) I've been delighted, and your voice is very much valued

resonates with me soooo muchhhhh. i often feel "too explicit" for the most of online spaces. like there's a "bourdary" of negativity i can talk about. i mean, on personal pages and accounts. even if i put tw, i still feel...... strange and anxious. THANK YOU for writing this

based and dissilution-of-mental-illness-pilled (?). but 43 is so me

@mustikas I write this as much as a persuasion to myself as well. I still get freaked out sharing, feeling like I’m not allowed to be “too” mentally ill in a public space (online) even though it is my personal website, mirroring what you said.

very much understand the hide impulse but I do enjoy reading your Me

thank you :,) it's much appreciated

Had a lot of fun reading through your word collection and testing how they felt spoken.

Delighted to hear that :3 thank you for commenting, @wanillaberry

My goal in life is to be everyone's cool lesbian auntie (something something japanese twitter)

Also, one of the things I had to really teach myself when i was planning my site was: if I don't write about me, who will?

Thank you, Tina :) I'm going to remember that for the future. You've eased my mind some.

re:44 reminds me of a post I saw the other day that said "sick people should have a right to congregate and discuss our illness without worrying about doing it in a way that doesn't upset the healthy people, it shouldn't be shameful or offensive to be visibly ill""

also i lol'd at the surviving the thriving reference man I was told to read that book a few months ago and while it was eye opening in some regards it was exceptionally unhelpful in others and I found myself overall wishing I had skipped it and read psychomagic instead

@ocrevol I really enjoy the quote you shared and I agree with it wholeheartedly. I feel like I've been hurting lately, not entirely feeling there's an acceptable place to be visibly ill-- but that may be more self-imposed than anything, I'm not sure though.

And, hah, I forgot that was the title of the book. I have it on a shelf and wanted to get back to it, actually. I feel "going from surviving to thriving" has become a sort of colloquial phrase and is expected of us, otherwise we're doing life wrong. I did find Pete Walker's '13 Steps for Managing Flashbacks' on his website to be insightful, so I hope to find good stuff in the book. Not in the mood to read it rn tho

New page for Persona 3 Reload screenshots, rawr. Take a look at it if you're cool ;3

i'm so glad you managed to not die in an electrical fire O.O

Thank you, it was scary for a bit :,)

Once again obsessed with how poetic the things you notice are.

@wanillaberry hehe, much appreciated! Thank you :D

i wanna play this game so badly but i dont know where to find it. thats not like reload which costs a billion dollars

35: perhaps the world is just a forest. sometimes there is a gap where the light comes through. sometimes there are so many trees you cannot see anything. but there is no exit from the forest like people proclaim. there's just different ways to process it (COUGH COUGH AVE MUJICA COUGH COUGH sorry hyperfixation got me there)

your decks are really cool :3

thanks!! 😁💜

WOW the art for the Death Note inspired deck is so cool!! And not gonna lie, I'm really tempted by that oracle deck too, it looks so fun!

Right?? I was really digging that artist's work, then I saw that Death Note deck in their shop! The oracle deck is cute, appeals to the inner child (and girlhood imo), if you subscribe to that sort of thinking. Been meaning to write a description for each deck, that one included. Haven't gotten much use out of it yet. It's almost too positive for me, lol.

Coffee makers deserve thanks. Mine gurgles when I take too long to finish a pot on a work from home day, and I imagine it is pouting at being ignored.

Aww <3<3

What you wrote in the edit to #37 is so true. The "meaning" of the past is never fixed. Maybe this is a corny metaphor, but if we imagine the past as soil and ourselves as plants growing out of it, in the short term it might seem the soil is always static and only plants change, but in the long term, the plants break down rocks in the soil, insert nutrients (or use them up) and so on.

I encountered this quote from the historian E. H. Carr in the epigraph to Hua Hsu’s (excellent!) book Stay True: “Only the future can provide the key to the interpretation of the past; and it is only in this sense that we can speak of an ultimate objectivity in history. It is at once the justification and the explanation of history that the past throws light on the future, and the future throws light on the past.”

tech rules rule (for lack of a better word), and i love the noticing page. both in terms of design and observations. reminds me of this quote that reality will suprise you if you pay attention to it. really cool to hear your thoughts on tech and you're right - we can just keep picking ourselves up again <3

Deeply relating to your 37th microblog; my family dynamic sounds very similar to yours , unfortunately for the both of us. I recently found out my sister is having another baby through the grapevine , as she has not spoken a word to me in months, and while my father lamented over it.. I found I didn't care much! If there's little seed planted, there's even littler Grief to sprout. Love from another black sheep..

ngl i havent seen enough media to see EITHER a trans struggle story or a trans instant acceptance story /srs. i have only seen characters that aren't properly confirmed trans but vaguely implied

re:33, this was part of my impetus to create my trans books page. even as someone who enjoys horror and otherwise dark/fucked-up stories, it's really disappointing that transphobia (external or internal) is so often the main conflict any time a trans character is featured. many authors don't seem to grasp that transphobia is an ADDITIONAL problem that trans people have to deal with, not the ONLY problem

I was so blown away when I watched Talk to Me (2022) and it featured a character that was openly transmasc and this was treated as a non issue. They were just another character in the film, in their own words "not a theme, just a person"

and I shouldn't have been blown away by that! the bar should not be that low!

in terms of my own story, the main character is nonbinary and depending on your reading you can see how this impacts their sense of isolation. however their story isn't really explicitly about being trans, it's about a bunch of other things instead. it's just a background element. so i suppose it's being accepted..? but they're lonely so hmm